Darlingmostever's Blog

Traffic.

darlingmostever — Sun, 23 May 2010 01:28:29 +0000

I’ve been on this up and down melancholic ride for the last few weeks.

Rather strange really, im not sure why it keeps freaking out.

I think the main reason is school coming to a close and realizing that some people who I really want to stay in touch with, I probably wont.

Three cheers for growing up.

Is Honesty really the right Policy?

darlingmostever — Thu, 20 May 2010 05:49:03 +0000

I feel like there is this new wave of absurdly honest people that ive been encountering. I have a very good close friend who has always been bluntly honest, lately though its transformed into just plain meanness. I dont want to hear the hard truth constantly, sugar-coating is our friend and anyone that denies that is retarded. Im a fan of honest answers, honest opinions, etc. but there is this threshold that is hit that you just dont cross because it becomes hurtful. Why do people feel like they have the right to discount their cruelty in the name of honesty? or even worse become so used to it that they no longer recognize the hurt it causes? Would i rather have my friend lie to me about being a shit to someone so i feel better? or tell me how it is? Both have their pros and cons. The only answer i can come up with is that it depends on the what, how, when, where, and who it deals with. Situational specific honesty, thats what i want.

Seeing may be believing, but you dont always have to share.

darlingmostever — Thu, 20 May 2010 05:34:47 +0000

Something i havent really talked about on this yet is my spirituality. I am a metaphysical spiritualist, thus i believe in past lives, energy healing, etc. I have started going to a womans group along with my mother and grandma once a week led by a channeler of a collection of higher beings. Through this i have tapped into my own powers progressively more and more. Though i have been aware of my abilities for some time now, my environment of the last 6 years has prevented me from pursuing them. Far to many distractions within high school and all. Lately however, ive been striving to focus on them and expand upon what i already know. Tonight i went to a group channeling session and was throughly disappointed with the vibe. It was just off in some way unlike the other meetings before. One fantastic revelation i got however was the even though i may be able to see people on an exponential level, know their pain, emotions and sometimes even underlying thoughts, it is not my right to force them to see it themselves and work it out. Knowing what i do makes it hard for me to hold back the “helping others” gene i was born with. Im drawn to teach but i need to respect those who are not yet ready to be taught. I can’t force life lessons upon other people. This year I had a situation where i saw someone crystal clear, it freaked the shit out of them. Oh course i didnt realize this until far to late in the game to make the ending out to be anything but a shit storm. They werent ready to face what i saw or that i saw it at all. It was a maze of confusion until i realized just tonight what it was: they werent ready for that lesson. Im not the one who’s going to teach them or help them or free them from the confines of their own pain. Maybe i will in the future who knows. But it will be on their time, not mine. It just explains so much its kinda mind-boggling. My entire life ive been trying to save those who didnt want to be because it wasnt their time. I feel lighter. I dont have fix it, or even acknowledged it for christ sake…How nice.

The End Game

darlingmostever — Tue, 18 May 2010 00:15:09 +0000

Four more weeks of senior year. Prom was last night, i had a really fun time except for drinking far too much and the limo bus not showing up to drive us downtown. Prom itself had a rather horrid DJ but the dancing was fun nonetheless. My date was awesome, so was the bus ride back. I’m still a little hazy about the whole endeavor, unfortunately the room began to spin at one point. Drinking on an empty stomach never a good idea. I woke up this morning with my knees covered in bruises, no clue how they got there…kind of disturbing. Proud to say I don’t regret anything from last night that i can remember. It is a peculiar feeling having the ever anticipated “Senior Prom” over and done. Time is flying right on by. Only a walk in a hideous black cap and gown remains. And a trip to Disneyland. Cant forget that one.

Falseified

darlingmostever — Tue, 11 May 2010 23:38:30 +0000

So, today I got me some new teeth. My lil bitty front teeth received some porcelain covers. Im a bit freaked out, my smile is drastically different as was expected but im jazzed nonetheless. Apparently i look older, says the mother and dental assistants. Strange what a little cosmetic dentistry can achieve huh? awkward they do feel but that will be temporary. I just hope that it gets a good review among the masses… we shall see

Bat Rape.

darlingmostever — Sun, 09 May 2010 18:52:14 +0000

I saw bat boy last night in support of my friends and general interest. Freaking bizarre turn of events, but generally very entertaining. I got to see 15 some odd people dance around in psychedelic animal body suits. life is good, very good. Incest, rape, and murder how could it not be a success? Disturbing, a bit. But its nothing we haven’t been exposed to before. What a show.

morning angst

darlingmostever — Sun, 09 May 2010 18:47:22 +0000

“I woke up in a minor panic. A deep hollow feeling in my chest. I knew why it was happening, the prospect of the end coming. I opened my eyes looked around. I had this overwhelming need to run. I got up washed my face stared in the mirror, took a breath. I didn’t end up running, instead i just kept looking. Then i put on my ipod and wrapped a few gifts. The feeling slowly died down, but i still want to run until i cant anymore. Strange i thought i was coping so well.”

“tick, tick, tick, boom.”

the title right.

darlingmostever — Sun, 09 May 2010 00:47:40 +0000

Being the minor horder that i am, ive kept all the writing projects from over the years that ive done. Granted with the whole homeschooling thing, its only from 7th grade on. Anyways i was reading this poem that i wrote about my dads mom Shirley. My grandmother was an alcoholic who decided to sober up when my dad was 6. As if being a newly devoiced mother of 4 wasnt hard enough, she decided to refocus her addictive tendencies on attending AA meetings instead of the hitting the bottle. On the surface the change appeared to be for the better, though the time she had spent passed out unaware of her kids just turned into 6 nights a week away from them.Rather counter productive. Needless to say its hard for me to even consider her a grandma. She had such a small connection to by dad that she kicked him out at 18 without blinking an eye. Never helped him with college, didnt go to his wedding, and the day i was born she couldnt come see me because she was having people over for dinner…the sheer heartlessness of her actions has caused me to not even want the woman at my graduation. And i dont think that makes me a bad person. Im still sad that i have basically no relationship with one of my grandmothers, but i dont mourn not having one with her. Shes apart of my biology but shes not family. The woman that i refer to as grandma is kind, sharing, always there. She deserves the title. Without her in my life i dont know what kind of person i would be right now, she has played as intricate a role in my development as the other hasnt. I love her more than i think she even knows. With mothers day coming up i just couldnt help but think about my love for one, and complete dissociation with the other. Mothers should be honored and cared for if they do the same for their children. Love is unconditional under the right circumstances, but im not the kind of girl who could just look over all the bad and still pretend to love her. I put the “nice act on” but thats all she will ever get from me. That was her choice long ago, not mine. So when my dad sends the mothers day card with only a “love will” at the bottom, it just reaffirms for me what type of mother i will be. My kids will write me a note, count on me, and call me back when i leave them a voicemail. I will love them, and they will love me. Unconditionally.

Middle aged or middle school?

darlingmostever — Sun, 09 May 2010 00:10:30 +0000

Today i skipped 3rd period and met my mother in Solana for her hair appointment with my dear aunt. Upon arrival i quickly began to over hear the conversation going on at the station next to us. Two middle aged ”fashionable” real-housewives-wanna-bes were chatting away about the latest gossip and of course their ever-expanding wardrobes. When one began with, “So were welcoming a new bundle of joy into our lives…” i immediately when to oh she must be getting a new puppy, pregnant, anything other than what proceeded to come out of her mouth, ” For our anniversary, he got me the new Louis ive been DYING FOR!” ( imagine accompanying gasps of joyous shock from the woman she was working on). My jaw honestly dropped and i couldnt help but look at the women next to me. How sad to be in your mid-thirties and been so enthralled with things on a level that you would equate them to the stork arriving…From their they talked about who was getting fat in hollywood, what new shoes they desired, and of course their men. I found myself judging them from obvious reasons, but it hit me all of a sudden that i shouldn’t be rolling my eyes but rather feeling sorry. That deep level of shallowness was not acquired over night, it was fueled by a need to have others approval all the time. Me a high school student could even see how ridiculous they sounded…Material possessions are a necessity and one could argue that im being hypocritical but…when i get a new expensive item i dont get it to flash it about, i get it because i love nice things and it makes me happy. But by no means what so ever does it complete me or give me an ego feed. It used to, hell even just a year ago it did but now its different. But to be as old as those women were and to still have that mentality…how unfortunate.

the saturation point

darlingmostever — Wed, 05 May 2010 04:26:06 +0000

My AP Art History test is just around the corner and i can’t help but procrastinate. When i study, it sinks in. My usual method however is to cram the night before, sleep very little, take the test, and pass out as soon as i make it home…and repeat. Since freshman year this has been a continuous cycle. Heading into college im scared out of my mind that i wont be able to create a more well-rounded study habit. I’ve passed high school with mostly A’s which i earned with a minute level of dedication to the material at hand. I’ve often wondered if i got off my freaking ass and actually studied the way i could, if i would have been at a far better place academically by the end of high school…I made my choices, i didn’t change and now i do regret it. I want to learn from the time i wasted and evolve. I think i can do it, i hope i can…But in all honesty ive really enjoyed the half-ass dedication i gave to my studies. It might sound ridiculous, but its the truth. I was able to do what i really wanted to, instead of being chained to a textbook. Now though i need a balance, college is not high school. It wont be CCA with a horde of forgiving teachers and my mother wont be reminding me to get my shit together. I’ve hit a prominent saturation point, high school is no longer doing it for me. The motivation isnt there anymore, well that little that ever existed that is…I know when the time comes ill be able to grow up and study the way I’ll need to. Its just…the moment that happens will be the true ending of a major part of my life. Not that just transitioning my studying habits is the end all, but it will be an end mark for my juvenile existence hence and a start of the next phase. I know i sound like im making it out to be some life altering element, but the combination of this step along with the moving out, saying good-bye to friends, walking away from CCA and the safety it offered…it will be bizarre. That sinking feeling in my chest has crept up on me lately and i wonder how long it will take for it to go away again…that sense of ending and change is carving into me. Im ecstatic on one hand and frightened of the unknown on the other. The emotional break down happened a long time ago, so i know i wont be falling apart anytime soon, but still i cant help but feel sad to see it all go. I want this. I need it. But for the life of me, there is still that small part that is screaming for the comfortable route to continue. One step at a time Eh, just one step.